more $, more love

wanting to cash in on the holidays, i've decided to sell cartoon portraits, and to maximize sales i'm going to offer them in three different styles/prices. (the following samples are of my friend rudey.)

first, 'the shitty one': basically, it will be a human form and the same gender as the subject.

next there is 'the crapshoot,' which will be in color and include more detail. however, if i screw up i may not fix it (e.g., in rudey's case, i left his one hand looking like a dog paw).

finally, 'the fetish head' portrait will be a headshot, kinder, gentler and handsomer, surrounded by weird shit the subject loves.

pulling hair

i joined an online dating site. excited, i thought, 'let the fuckathon begin!' although so far it's less a fuckathon and more a slow, faceless correspondence. finally i did go on a date, and the dude had passable looks and was semi-literate and not a total bore. (score!) but he did do this weird thing: compulsively pulling lint off my shirt, etc. and he pulled my hair when we were saying good-bye, but i took the physical gesture as encouragement.

snotty surfer

when i saw all the hot, towheaded surfer dudes in san diego, i thought to myself, 'there's no way i'm leaving this beach alone.' sure, the ocean caused boogers to stream out of my nose and for me to pee a lot, but i thought these might make good icebreakers.

 

wet wetsuit

also while i was in san diego i realized my lifelong dream of trying to surf. luckily my friend was there to give me tips. tip #1: she said, 'in order to stay warm, pee in your wetsuit.'

rudey and houseboy

when recently i was visiting friends in san diego, my friend, rudey, invited us all for drinks but left as soon as we arrived. this rudeness might have annoyed us, had he not left us in good hands with his roommate, houseboy.

we drank all rudey's booze, then explored his living quarters, which perhaps due to his military background were scarily organized.

so we moved shit around.

when rudey returned the next day, he was distressed about the one-shelf switcheroo.

at first i was surprised, but then remembered he'd always been sensitive.

those who can't, teach

it's been 5 days since i suggested piggy-roommie (see previous post) bathe, and i gotta tell him again but don't want to. friend says i should make him a chart.

piggy-roommie

it's a long story, but recently i got a roommate who is 22, sweaty/smelly, moved from his parents' house, doesn't own a car, doesn't have a job, leaves in his wake a weird trail of debris/grime, lives on hot dogs and chicken legs (he cut out red meat) and spends every day--all day--watching tv, belting out christian rock tunes and sitting in front of his computer, chanting OH YEAH! OH YEAH! to preachers on youtube (at first i thought he was masturbating). in the beginning i thought, 'oh, piggy's just young and needs direction' (btw, piggy wants to be a life coach), but now all i can think is, 'please don't do dat.'

garbage night

mebbe i've been too solitary lately, because the other night when i took the garbage to the curb and saw none other out there i felt bad and decided to wait until later so my garbage wouldn't feel awkward and lonely.

wild advice

money expert valerie coleman morris was on cnn today to advise us in these dark times. she said to 'spend wisely and save wildly.' the 'spend wisely' part i get, but dunno what 'save wildly' might mean except this.

pig roast

i don't like to see meat this way.

so when i recently went to a pig roast i decided to pretend to not see pig, like i did in ny with homeless people,

so not to ruin my vision of where bacon comes from.

me not japanese

i stopped at the grocery store after picking up friends at the airport and was accosted by a woman who acted like she knew me but really only wanted to discuss japan.

dill-dough

eli braden, one of my favorite people to follow on twitter, tweeted the other day, 'Bread dough flavored with dill wasn't a great idea to begin with, but marketing it as "Dill-Dough" was the nail in the coffin.' but i think it's brilliant, though not flawless.

greek meat

friend sent me this photo she took in a greek meat market. 

moviefonnne!

believe it or not, i just experienced moviefone for the first time and now think i should spruce up my vmail message.

night star

i worked on a film shoot last week and ended up totally sleep-deprived: with the dressing room vacant and full of costumes, i spent nights reciting my favorite lines. 

down with pinky

a friend lent me a hot pink little girl's bike for a bicycle pub crawl. the gears were broken and it weighed a ton, and by the time i got to the first stop everyone was on their second beer and i was sweating like a pig. it was all downhill to the second stop, so i prepped myself for redemptive glory.

and it looked good until the last second.

no-pecking paste

today a bird flew into the house, fluttered all over in a frenzy, then disappeared somewhere. i was fine with the idea of living with hidden bird--until my friend said it would peck my eyes out while i slept. luckily he (turns out, an expert on birds) knew a solution.

happy meat-morial day weekend

it is american meat-grilling weekend, but it's also del potro v djokovic at the french open. and since djokovic is a mouth-breather with hair helmet (and major threat to nadal) i'm rooting for del potro. for this double-yum occasion, asado:

role of the remake

recently i saw 'the karate kid' at my gym and discovered they did a remake of it in 2010. not that i love the movie or that i'm a fan of remakes, but doesn't it make more sense to makeover a movie that really needs tweaking, eg, 'some kind of wonderful'? (i wish watts had been more forthright.)

*yes, that's me; i do impressions of mary stuart masterson and charlie sheen.

judgment day 2011

for tomorrow's second coming of christ, i was going to bake cookies or get vajazzled, but mebbe i should find a good lawyer.

pervy patron

last night my girlfriends and i went for dinner before seeing 'bridesmaids.' inspired by female buddy movie we were about to see, we dove into womanly topics. my friends were seated so they could see if the waiter was coming; i was not.

cinema gym

my gym has a movie theater filled with cardio equipment, which i enjoy.

sausage parties

in ski towns what are called 'sausage parties' are common but not what i envisioned.

garden of cretin

i used to have no desire whatsoever to garden due to fear of worms (am still afraid; one made me screech the other day) but now do it for a friend. i learned a lot the first day.

later that day i went to a friend's house to water his trees, decided--since i was now professional--to also water his tulips and watered the petals off. (good thing friend is out of town.)

meat

he rose as bunny

i was confused about easter for a long time. it was only last year that i concluded jesus must have come back with some different predilections.

ew

i live in a house with many roommates. there's a sharpie that people sometimes use to label their food so no one eats it. i thought the person who labeled his food 'EW' was brilliant; i for one was never tempted to eat anything that said, 'EW.' i was about to jump on this person's bandwagon when i realized something.

muumuu a la brando

whenever i'm feeling fat/bloated, i'm reminded of marlon brando, one of my all-time favorite actors. yeah, he was beautiful

and talented,

but what i admired most was when he said screw it and wore a muumuu.

sigh.

no deal

i'd been planning to hit up my roommie who works at starbucks for coffee, but when today i finally stopped in, it did not go as planned.

which gives me second thoughts about my plan to visit the roommies who work at rei.

massage boy

i found a cute, fabulous massage boy, and i've seen him twice. funny, but both times when he's rubbed my naked body for an hour and a half it's made my stomach growl.