tinder sampler

tinder gets a bad rap. people think it's all about lascivious hook-ups with insincere people with phony profiles. but here's proof there are genuine souls out there.

prime example: john looks amazing. he looks fun but complex, like you could learn something from him.

steve-o shows endurance, and nobody wants a guy who's fatigued being radicool. 

i think colin is saying with this profile pic: i'm playful but probably gay.

talk about low maintenance. 

this fellow seems just lovely, but he doesn't know how to capitalize. oh, what if that's his name? dammit.

cuddling described as wet and violently windy sounds awful to me, but i'm sure there's someone out there who shares dane's predilection. keep the faith, dane!

 

a dude who likes to vacuum in his underwear.

maybe me start reading more.

this guy is 20, 30 and 41. and he will never get fat, gray or laid.

 i didn't feel worthy of this guy's sincerity.

rob has a warm, approachable feel to him.

cory has style! i just don't know what alterior motives are. :(

martin knows what women want. they want to feel frail and breakable.

like pairing chiles with chocolate, apples with cheddar, or bacon with peanut butter, michael's mixed aesthetic is unexpectedly awesome.

degen doesn't beat around the bush. i like that.

hey, the two robs here seem equally friendly! but i give this rob the edge, because he gives us dating advice: eharmony--or even match--might be worth a try.

swampdong

when i saw my ski buddy swampy (whom you might remember from 'swampy') the other day, he told me the combo of a cush, low-demand job and a place in close proximity to our favorite bar had put him at high risk for the drunk train. 'it's a slippery slope,' he said. neglecting work myself, i could relate and, with abundant free time, thought i'd spin a cautionary tale in cartoon form.

since swampy calls me ding dong, our friend rick gave us the lovely portmanteau swampdong:

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glen grannies

last year there was a big gathering to celebrate the life of a friend (affectionately called glenbub). you might remember him as my model and muse, whom i called rudey. someone made t-shirts for the occasion.

today, a friend requested more shirts. i suggested we also get granny panties (grannies are hot right now).

the avengers

i saw 'the avengers.' i liked it, but honestly i find today's b-team superheroes lame. superman alone could've beaten loki and his army (and if not he could turn back time and make it so loki was never born). look at wolverine. steel fingers. in my day, the guy with steel fingers was ridiculed and did topiary.

i like iron man, but he's really just a happy batman. captain america reminds me of blue m&ms, which i don't like.

and thor's hammer makes him look ... special.

but i'd still do him.

(note to self: write script asap for hemsworth about a man allergic to shirts.)

disappointing dreams

i've been reading 'rafa' (rafael nadal's autobiography) in bed and then dreaming about him. but the dreams are not the kind you would expect, e.g., rafa and i frolicking in the mediterranean.

no, last night i dreamed i was stalking him disguised as an ewok.

talking to food

my friend from china who is a baker told me that he'd met a chef who talks to his food (e.g., 'don't worry, steak--i'll take you out when you are ready!'). this excited my friend, who also does this.

more $, more love

wanting to cash in on the holidays, i've decided to sell cartoon portraits, and to maximize sales i'm going to offer them in three different styles/prices. (the following samples are of my friend rudey.)

first, 'the shitty one': basically, it will be a human form and the same gender as the subject.

next there is 'the crapshoot,' which will be in color and include more detail. however, if i screw up i may not fix it (e.g., in rudey's case, i left his one hand looking like a dog paw).

finally, 'the fetish head' portrait will be a headshot, kinder, gentler and handsomer, surrounded by weird shit the subject loves.

pulling hair

i joined an online dating site. excited, i thought, 'let the fuckathon begin!' although so far it's less a fuckathon and more a slow, faceless correspondence. finally i did go on a date, and the dude had passable looks and was semi-literate and not a total bore. (score!) but he did do this weird thing: compulsively pulling lint off my shirt, etc. and he pulled my hair when we were saying good-bye, but i took the physical gesture as encouragement.

snotty surfer

when i saw all the hot, towheaded surfer dudes in san diego, i thought to myself, 'there's no way i'm leaving this beach alone.' sure, the ocean caused boogers to stream out of my nose and for me to pee a lot, but i thought these might make good icebreakers.

 

wet wetsuit

also while i was in san diego i realized my lifelong dream of trying to surf. luckily my friend was there to give me tips. tip #1: she said, 'in order to stay warm, pee in your wetsuit.'

rudey and houseboy

when recently i was visiting friends in san diego, my friend, rudey, invited us all for drinks but left as soon as we arrived. this rudeness might have annoyed us, had he not left us in good hands with his roommate, houseboy.

we drank all rudey's booze, then explored his living quarters, which perhaps due to his military background were scarily organized.

so we moved shit around.

when rudey returned the next day, he was distressed about the one-shelf switcheroo.

at first i was surprised, but then remembered he'd always been sensitive.

those who can't, teach

it's been 5 days since i suggested piggy-roommie (see previous post) bathe, and i gotta tell him again but don't want to. friend says i should make him a chart.

piggy-roommie

it's a long story, but recently i got a roommate who is 22, sweaty/smelly, moved from his parents' house, doesn't own a car, doesn't have a job, leaves in his wake a weird trail of debris/grime, lives on hot dogs and chicken legs (he cut out red meat) and spends every day--all day--watching tv, belting out christian rock tunes and sitting in front of his computer, chanting OH YEAH! OH YEAH! to preachers on youtube (at first i thought he was masturbating). in the beginning i thought, 'oh, piggy's just young and needs direction' (btw, piggy wants to be a life coach), but now all i can think is, 'please don't do dat.'

garbage night

mebbe i've been too solitary lately, because the other night when i took the garbage to the curb and saw none other out there i felt bad and decided to wait until later so my garbage wouldn't feel awkward and lonely.

wild advice

money expert valerie coleman morris was on cnn today to advise us in these dark times. she said to 'spend wisely and save wildly.' the 'spend wisely' part i get, but dunno what 'save wildly' might mean except this.

pig roast

i don't like to see meat this way.

so when i recently went to a pig roast i decided to pretend to not see pig, like i did in ny with homeless people,

so not to ruin my vision of where bacon comes from.

me not japanese

i stopped at the grocery store after picking up friends at the airport and was accosted by a woman who acted like she knew me but really only wanted to discuss japan.

dill-dough

eli braden, one of my favorite people to follow on twitter, tweeted the other day, 'Bread dough flavored with dill wasn't a great idea to begin with, but marketing it as "Dill-Dough" was the nail in the coffin.' but i think it's brilliant, though not flawless.

greek meat

friend sent me this photo she took in a greek meat market.